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I think there’s a rapist in all of us, a person consumed by one’s hungers, and a victim, a person terrified of those hungers.But these are not ugly things; it’s just a part of the give and take of life. Saying things out loud made them real, and as a child I learned how words could stay ingrained in you forever.
I want my mother to be strong and my father to be understood, and the way that I feel I can do that is through taking their name, my name, and changing what it means with dignity.He was going to leave anyway to start a better life financially, but his departure was brought sooner when my illegally immigrated step-mom threatened to kill my half-brother, the police were called, and she got deported. My mom came back a few months ago, started taking care of her kids again. I was expected to mediate and pick up the other parent’s slack, clean up after any party’s irresponsibility, damage control. I thought I was gay for a while until I met a boy I swooned real hard for.Shortly afterward, my mom left us as well to explore America and find better financial fortune because she couldn’t afford rent here in California. I’ll be moving back into my mom’s garage until she leaves for good in June. I’m sure this is what has lead me to my current professions and I know it’s not my job to take care of other people’s kids, but who else is going to raise these orphans? Then, I fancied myself queer until I became obsessed with having relationships with men.Her story reminded me of Joan Didion quoting Georgia O’Keefe during an infamous interview: “It is what I have done with where I have been that should be of interest” (The White Album, 126). Milcah Orbacedo: My full name: Milcah Halili Orbacedo.I pictured Milcah camming in her room on her bed, tea light candle ablaze and I knew that there was nothing lacking about Milk. *** The Rumpus: Sex workers never use their real names. What if your family, grandparents or brothers find out? My sexual name: Milcah Halili, meaning Queen Beloved, my mother’s maiden name, my former “jealous girlfriend,” the woman whom my father molested in front of me and raped privately, a strong, lovingly severe, goof of a woman.